Heads up, politicos! There’s a new wind blowing across this country. And we can point to the National Rifle Association as the up-wind source. It has devised a principle which, if generously applied to every problem, might easily resolve even the most tenacious tangle.
I call it the Even More Of The Same Solution, or EMOTS (pronounced emotes) for short.
Take the current rage over gunslingers slipping into our schools, offices, theaters and shopping malls. The obvious strategy might involve some well-intended attempt to limit the numbers and types of weapons available for such mischief or (heaven forbid) a naive attempt to identify and inhibit gunslingers before they draw down on any innocent.
This path might encourage studies (shudder!) and blue ribbon commissions to carefully consider where we might find if not a tipping point, at least a tickle point, to begin blunting this threat.
No need for any of that expensive, time-consuming deliberation under the EMOTS strategy. What does the NRA prescribe? Even more guns! Brilliant!
We could probably, applying this same genius insight, resolve the debt crisis by borrowing even more. Global warming? Simply increase greenhouse gas emissions. Unclog freeways by encouraging even more cars. Nobody, and I mean nobody’s ever gonna vote against that!
The beauty of EMOTS centers on the easy popularity it engenders. For a House member or senator who might be sweating some controversial stand, padding the old platform with a healthy fistful of EMOTS pretty much ensures re-election, even against the most otherwise threateningly progressive opponents.
And nobody needs to be a policy wonk or some think-tank egghead to create broadly satisfying solutions to any problem if they simply employ EMOTS.
Illegal immigrants overrunning the border? Encourage even more! Smokers dropping like flies? Just imagine how many fewer smokers we’d have today if our mommy government had just responded to that crisis by implementing an EMOTS strategy.
So remember, whatever the trouble, a moment of mindful reflection might be worth years, even decades of careful consideration and constituency-conditioning. It’s as easy as pulling your uncle’s finger. Just ask yourself, “What would the NRA do?” EMOTS: guaranteed to be the absolutely most conservative response to every situation. Libertarian-friendly, too!
(Note: No sacred cows were harmed in the drafting or final editing of this letter.)
David A. Schmaltz
Takoma Park, Md.
former Walla Walla resident