The Sequester Diet: Lose while we sleep


I have developed a new diet program that allows me to lose weight while I am sleeping. It’s great. I’ve lost two or more pounds every day for the last three days.

It works like this: Each night before I go to bed, I weigh myself. Each morning when I wake up I weigh myself again.

On Sunday I lost two pounds overnight. Monday, I lost four pounds. Tuesday, I lost two pounds. The down side is that, each morning, I weigh the same as the previous morning. On the other hand, I always feel great about weighing less than the night before.

I have no idea why this works, but I don’t have to run, lift weights or even worry about what I eat (so long as I remember to eat after morning weigh in.) For some reason my wife Liv gets very angry when I cheerfully tell her how much weight I’ve lost each day.

I only wish I had thought of this weight loss program before. In years past, I’ve struggled with diet and exercise. Mainly, I’ve struggled to avoid them. I hate running, for example.

I’ve heard people talk about endorphins and the “runner’s high” they get while jogging. For a long time I was skeptical. All I ever got out jogging was blisters, sprained ankles and dogs chasing me. I just thought people were making it up, or were suffering from lack of oxygen to the brain — which would explain so much about runners.

Then I discovered that “runner’s high” is a real thing. I was recovering from a back injury, during which I’d gained some weight. My doctor told me I not only needed to lose the pounds but also strengthen my core, whatever that is. He also recommended I quit smoking. I decided two out of three ain’t bad, and started dieting and jogging the same week.

About the third day of my new regimen I thought I should do more than just jog around the yard and started out on a three-mile run. After the first mile I nearly died. Putting out the cigarette helped. So did stuffing my lungs back down my throat. I was ready to just lie on the side of the road and put a sign out for the ravens. Then it hit me: the fabled “runner’s high.”

Suddenly I felt great. I finished my run in great form, looking like a regular marathon man. Then I spent the next week trying to lie very still to avoid the excruciating pain. My muscles were in complete rebellion over the unprecedented torture. I decided then that endorphins, like most other drugs, come at too great a cost to my well being and that I would never stoop to taking another “hit.”

Since then I’ve carefully managed my exercise routine to avoid any risk of actual exercise and learned to live with low self-esteem. Until now. I realized the other morning that I don’t have to feel bad about myself just because I refuse to exercise: I only need to change the way I think about exercise.

Like many people, I used to associate exercise with weight loss. Now, however, I can associate sleeping with weight loss. Therefore, I can feel good about getting plenty of rest. By changing the way I think about things, I can avoid a lot of discomfort in my life.

This works for other things, too.

For example, I recently realized I worry too much about politics. I have always felt politicians need careful watching and I seldom trust much of what they say, especially when it comes to money.

While listening to the news recently, I caught myself wondering why every time politicians talk about the automatic federal budget sequester they threaten that unless something is done, police and education budgets will have to be cut.

Now, I am no genius (as my friends like to remind me when I leave the house with out consulting my wife on my wardrobe), but I’ve always thought there might be other agencies that could stand to suffer cuts before our police departments or schools. For example, here in Washington state, there are a number of agencies that continue to puzzle me. Take the Education Research and Data Center, for one.

According to its website, “Washington is one of 12 states to receive funding through the Department of Labor for building or enhancing longitudinal databases of workforce data and linking them to education data.”

Why longitudinal databases? Why not horizontal, equatorial, even diagonal databases? I have no idea.

I’m also curious about the Citizen Commission for Performance Measurement of Tax Preferences, the Office of Regulatory Assistance and the Legislative Ethics Board. In fact, I sort of lump the Legislative Ethics Board with the Expenditure Limit Committee and the Legislative Evaluation and Accountability Program Committee.

I have always wondered why these assorted programs and committees are so important that we, the voting public, would willingly sacrifice our police or education system to pay for them.

With my new weight loss approach, however, I am starting to wonder if I need to think about this differently. Maybe I have been too suspicious. Our elected officials all promise they have our best interests at heart, and why shouldn’t we believe them?

Maybe law enforcement and education really aren’t that important. If they were, I can’t believe our politicians would cut those programs first. Maybe police and teachers are just like running and exercise: allegedly good for you, but really not necessary.

After all, here I am losing weight every morning without have to jog more than a step or two to get to the fridge before my wife throws out my soda. She usually beats me, though, because she has been exercising like a fiend lately.

I think I may just need to lie around more. If I can lose weight sleeping for eight hours at night, I might need to lie around for five to 10 hours during the day to keep that weight off.

And now that my thinking process is clearing up, I can definitely see the importance of government agencies like the Recreation and Conservation Office or Nacho Cheese Dip Board. (OK, the last one isn’t real as far as I know, but it should be.) They all make perfect sense. All but the Washington State Caseload Forecast Council, which, according to its website, is “charged with forecasting the entitlement caseloads for the State of Washington.”

I may never understand that one.


Use the comment form below to begin a discussion about this content.

Sign in to comment

Click here to sign in